Yesterday something so simple, yet pretty powerful happened to me. Nothing like this has really happened before, to such a degree. I was introduced to an album by Boards of Canada. This is the first time music has actually scared me. This isn’t an insult to them, this isn’t about the lyrics, the mood of this album actually managed to frighten me. I remember being introduced to Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens. I remember because at the moment I thought it was the happiest day of my life. I thought to myself, who needs drugs if music can make you feel these thoughts? Simple music had made me feel this happy. I remember lying in bed and listening to Sigur Ros and shedding a tear, because it was so beautiful. I remember being younger, and watching a scary movie, and not knowing better. When you’re young and scared, you’re really scared. This is what last night was for me. I had decided to literally face the music, armed with an iPod, a stormy night and a dark room I embarked on a mission to hear this album through.

My first time through sitting at my computer had shook me quite a bit, and there I was distracted by so many things. I had become completely bummed out. Lying alone in my room really opened me up to this album. And by opened me up I mean scrunched me up into a ball. This album is scared me and I don’t know why. I felt like a child again, scared by my shadow. My legs felt heavy, and all those little insecurities about myself started appearing in my head. By the 6th song (Sunshine Recorder) I was in tears, and had every notion to just turn it off and go to sleep. I pushed on through, trying to be strong about this. I don’t know when but at one point I had grown almost happy about this album, I had a smile on my face. That switched over as the mood darkened once more. My room hadn’t ever really felt menacing to me, but suddenly it did. Everything kind of closed in, my legs felt heavy. My mind started focusing on horrible thoughts. I imagined the roof coming off, the walls closing in, shootings, etc. My mind started to wander, and I wouldn’t let it, that was not part of the experiment. When they only thing you’re concentrating on is music time seems to go rather slow. And the horrible thing is that time wasn’t going slow, here it was one am already, and I still had songs to go through. I think I was in and out of sleeping through the last few songs, in the battle of fear, sleep conquered. I woke up to find the album looping, and I turned it off but I hadn’t really been sure if I had listened to all of it. Before my final drifting of into sleep it started pouring rain outside. I sleep on the top floor and the roof and outside made so much noise. I was fine with this happening, since usually it does that for five or so minutes and ends. Toronto weather is weird like that. But that night, that spooky album, the wind was making such weird noises. I freaked out, again.

I woke up with a strange feeling. Well that, and complete tiredness. I didn’t have any dreams but I woke up in strange daze. I forgot my phone that day, a permanent staple in my day to day life. (What a girl~) I went through the day not sure of what to listen to. Even now I’m listening to it hoping for some more clarity on the album. It’s not scaring me now, but the point is that it did. I was scared by music, and it was such an experience. I’ll say this once more, I felt like a child watching a scary movie. My parents were bad with movie restrictions, I saw Akira when I was maybe 10, and I’m still scared to watch that movie all the way through. I felt like I was being chased and had nowhere to hide.

It’s amazing what music can do to you on a deeper level. In all honesty I can’t even begin to describe what last night was to me. I don’t know if this album will have the same effect, but I suggest listening to it. Geogaddi by Boards of Canada

—(Shut up, one day I’ll write better-er.)